There's A Tractor In Aisle 9

A Real Tractor (Kubota) in the middle of Longo's

How many of you recall the manly, testosteroni (ooh a new flavour for East Side Mario's!) guttural growling of Tim Allen on Home Improvement whenever he used a power tool or something that had a large engine on it?  You can Google it I'm sure.  Well my son, Charlie, has taken this to a whole new level.  

I believe it all started innocently enough with a wide array of "boy" toys (tractors, diggers, lifters, steam rollers, dump trucks, cement mixers, bulldozers, backhoe loaders, trains, airplanes, helicopters, street sweepers, fire trucks, police cars, monster trucks, cranes, garbage trucks, tow trucks - okay I'll stop now...) anyway, we would make all the sounds (beep beep beeping for cars in reverse, zooming, swishing, sirens, you name it, we made the sound).

In all fairness to him, while in utero, we were living in a condo at King and Spadina, the perpetual traffic and street cars were always a din in the background!   

Then we got the ABC Go! App where every vehicle imaginable has an animation and accompanying sound byte.  

Then we made the grave mistake of purchasing a Mighty Machines DVD.  Before viewing I suggest a shot of tequila or vodka.  The jingle alone at the beginning is enough to make you nuts.  Finally, I started taking the QEW Niagara over the Skyway bridge to school each day before dropping Charlie at Grandpa and Grandma's house and it was here that Charlie encountered the MAC Truck and Tractor-trailer.  He was hooked and now knows upclose and personal, what a revving engine sounds like!

But then it turned slightly Rain Man.  Charlie will drop what he's doing and rush to the kitchen whenever an appliance with a motor is being used.  Hand mixer? He's there.  Coffee grinder? With bells on! Food processor or blender? You betcha!  Garbage disposal (when its working)? Oh yah, baby!  He also will tune in to small, faraway sounds like an approaching jet or plane or someone weed whacking a few blocks away.  He'll stop, make eye contact with you, lean into the sound and focus (squinting his eyes a little) and then smile a bit and get back to what he was doing.  Hilarious!

And now to set the scene of slight horror, embarrassment and a pinch of pride.  Imagine if you will, shopping with your 19 month old son, thanking the Lord that he is big enough to now sit in the cart, and not having to limit your purchase to the few things you can fit under the stroller.   You're busy trying to keep him from opening all of the strawberries and blueberries before you've paid for and washed them and then.... imagine him the tractor in the image above.

In order for you to fully experience the soundscape of what ensued: close your eyes a moment and listen for a tiny mouse, growing into a screech owl, morphing into a mating pterodactyl and then decrescendo-ing into a grunting Tim the Tool Man Taylor.  We're talking deep base, groaning, throat clearing, exorcism here.  The shelves shake from the sound.  Nearby shoppers take cover.  A pyramid of navel oranges topple.  A woman, holding her young son, runs screaming for the exit.  No, its not Godzilla, its Charlie spotting a REAL tractor.

I am all for passion and I understand that this is the time in his development that little obsessions begin.  My friend's son is obsessed with Fire Engines, fire men, fire dogs, hoses, ladders, the helmet, the axe, the siren, the boots.  All things fire.  With Charlie its buzzing, whirring or engine sounds.  The louder and grittier the better.  Its like he WANTS hearing damage.

I'm used to this of course, but I'm going to have to, upon entering any store, make an announcement, nay a confession, at customer service that a farm implement-crazy psycho baby has entered the premises.  I will likely never take him to a Canadian Tire, Rona or Home Depot.  The riding lawn mowers and ATVs would just put him over the edge.