Cake Fear

When my son was about to turn one I got pretty obsessed with party planning.  I wanted his fete to be just that, something people referred to other than “birthday” because it was so darn smashing.  Something that would go down in the annals of family history.  A party not to be forgotten.  To prepare, I bought overpriced paper streamers and balloons in a variety of shades of blue and created a nice menu of classy nibblies for the adults with accompanying kid versions of many dishes.  I even bought palatable wine.  But the cherry on top was that I actually designed my very own, very unique birthday cake.  The vision was to make the cake entirely out of cupcakes, which, when placed side by side, would comprise a life-like fire engine.  The vision was awe-inspiring.  This would be an award winning cake.  Guests would fawn over it.  “Its too amazing to eat!” they would say.  I might even get a feature in the local paper, real calendar-worthy firemen would come to my house to try the cupcakes...(okay fine, but daydreaming is allowed to be far-fetched!)   I guess I’ve been indoctrinated by Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss.  All the boutique cupcakeries opening up in the neighbourhood haven’t helped either.  They needed to be epic.

That morning, as my fresh cupcakes cooled (mistake #1 = runny icing), I began to create bright red icing.  Fire-engine red.   A culinary endeavour not for amateurs - my kitchen looked like Dexter and his dark passenger had been by for a visit.  I don’t like fondant and so I decided to take white icing (homemade) and 2 bottles of red food colouring and hope for the best.  After 1 whole bottle of Red dye was mixing with the icing I began to sweat.  As I added more drops, I saw the icing transform like a colour wheel.  Ballet slipper, Pepto Bismol, cream soda and then, what would be the final shade.  Not the desired shade either. My fire truck was fuchsia.  I was mortified and time was ticking.  Guests would be arriving shortly.  Who the heck knew that it would require more than 2 full bottles of red food colouring to make white icing red?  I tasted the icing and my tongue instantly went numb.  More food colouring? Probably not safe.  What to do?  I opted to change my fire truck to something pinker, and was left with no other choice than to create a giant pig from the cupcakes.  A stuck pig at that.  My memorable first birthday party was beginning to look like a John Waters film.  As guests arrived and caught sight of the garish focal point of the table, they giggled.  I had to explain the entire ordeal to all of them, and it became a funny, memorable party, not due to its “Martha Stewart” perfection, but because of its homemade, quirky pizazz.  This year I will get a Dairy Queen ice cream cake.  Stress-free and delicious.

deranged pigs make a party more memorable